It’s a Process: Grief

Ever had a friend die? Ever had a parent, grandparent, brother, sister, cousin, etc. die? Death is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean we can just acknowledge it as an “Oh, Well! They are dead. Let’s move on!” Nope! It does not work that way. It’s a PROCESS!!!! Sometimes a long process when you are learning to live without the one you love.

When we experience significant loss, we grieve. Grief is a tremendously overwhelming series of emotions that touches everyone. Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages the concept of the five stages of grief which has now morphed to seven. Which is what I recommend. For me, it is a widely accepted model and more inclusive and accurate to what people experience.

WHAT DOES GRIEF FEEL LIKE?

Grief SUCKS! The onset of grief brings with it a host of complex feelings, behavioral changes, and physical symptoms. These symptoms may be new to you and it is important for you to understand your connection to grief. There’s a lot of uncertainty with these symptoms in conjunction with a major loss can make you feel disconnected, disoriented, confused, and off balance.

Symptoms may include, but not limited to:

• Physical Changes: Lack of energy, loss of appetite, headaches, body tension, digestive issues.
• Behavioral Changes: Increased frustration, angry episodes, outbursts, increased isolation, inability to sleep, or sleeping too much, inability to concentrate.
• Emotional Changes: Feelings of hopelessness, emotional meltdowns, helplessness, sadness, numbness, fear, guilt, anger, and anxiety.

SEVEN (7) STAGES of GRIEF:

There are seven (7) stages of grief (see images). These seven are not necessarily in order and may occur may than once. Grief is a process. EMBRACE each stage and acknowledge the stage you are in. Grief is not linear, standard process, and it can vary from person to person, but this model will help gauge and help you to navigate your grief.

SHOCK & DENIAL:

Shock is the initial phase when learning about the death of a loved one or significant loss. Shock acts as the brain’s self-defense system, and many times can cause someone to deny what has happened. It occurs when you try to process a loss that seems unimaginable and unacceptable.

Denial is a defense mechanism to help cope with a difficult loss. Denial gives you time to understand what has happened and slowly adjust to the new present. The new normal.

FEELINGs that may accompany the shock and denial stage include, but are not limited to:

• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Confusion
• Loneliness
• Anger

SHOCK & DENIAL Examples may include, but are not limited to:

• “Why did this happen?”
• “She’s dead?” “What will I do?”
• “If only I could talk/text to them one more time!”
• “She will wake up tomorrow, realize this is the biggest mistake she has ever made, and come running back for forgiveness.
• “I dedicated my life to working for the company, and they let me go without warning!”
• “My mom/dad/friend was there for me my whole life. How can I go on without them?”

DENIAl is one of the most challenging stages, as you may isolate yourself during this stage. Reminders about self-care are needed. One’s identity may have been linked to the person or job loss and must now redefine how they perceive themselves. Suppose your inability to function daily tasks, make decisions, and break isolation remains persistent. In that case, these may indicators that you are stuck in this stage.

PAIN and GUILT

The realization that a loved one is dead or gone or significant loss can leave an emptiness in your life, causing pain and yearning. You may feel relieved that a love one is not suffering but guilty for thinking that. Some may believe they could have done more to help. Protected them. People often regret that the outcome was not what they hoped for, with unrealistic expectations about what they can do to stop a loss or death.

FEELINGS that accompany the PAIN & GUILT stage of grief include, but are not limited to:

• Blame
• Sadness
• Guilt
• Regret

PAIN & GUILT examples include, but are not limited to:

• “If only I had done more to convince my husband to go to the doctor.”
• “If only I had taken the phone from her.”
• “If only we had not been joking around while riding.”
• “Dad needed me to be there for him. I couldn’t because of work. That is something I will always regret.”
• “Why did I argue with my dad/mom/friend? I should have called and apologized.”
• “How could I have known she was this depressed and let this happen?”

The challenge of this stage is that you can ruminate about perceived mistakes too long.This negative self-talk can exacerbate feelings of guilt and increase emotional pain. If these thoughts persists, this grief stage will last longer.

ANGET & BARGAINING

Grief experts studied the length of time for stages of grief in this stage, concluding that the need for anger management increases between one and five months post-loss, then the need decreases after that.

Sources of the ANGER stage could include:

• Anger at the extent of the pain
• Anger that life has changed
• Anger at being abandoned
• Anger that managing grief feels difficult
• Anger that the world suddenly feels different, empty, unsafe, or lonely

Anger can be a complex emotion and is a normal reaction. to grief with no specific timeline associated with its stage. People can get stuck in an angry phase of grief if they don’t understand how to deal with these feelings. When anger continues or intensifies into repeated rageful episodes or an intermittent explosive disorder towards people not associated with. theloss, this signals that you need additioanl mental health to support to cope.

The Bargaining Stage involves trying to regain a false sense of control after feeling helplessness and displaced anger. Regina Josell, PdD, says, “We engage in a type of mental gymnastics. to try to undo something that we can’t undo.” This stage provides a grieving person with time to emotionally come to terms.

Sad, but true, people on the bargaining side of this stage often don’t find an acceptable resolution. Eventually, they recognize that the outcome they hope for will not occur. Trying to bargain with a higher order, another person, or. a system is a means of diminishing anger and moving closer to acceptance. This stage generally does not last as long as others because it eventually becomes clear that what you hope for won’t happen.

DEPRESSION

Depression stems from internalized or repressed anger in this stage. it occurs when time has passed for ramifications of a significant loss become clear. This stage can manifest as reduced concentration, inability to sleep, and sleeping too much. You may have physical symptoms like headaches and body aches ot digestive issues as well.

FEELINGS that occur during the deporession stage include,

• Loneliness
• Sadness
• Depression
• Emptimness
• Anhedonia (the inability to feel joy from anything)
• Self-Pity

DEPRESSION Examples include, but are not limited to:

• “How do I go on without my friend/mom/dad, etc.”
• “She won’t be in class. lunch. games. work. What will I do?”
• “My job meant everything to me. It was who I am.”
• “Since my divorce, I have lost all my friends. I don’t want to be around people. I feel so alone.”

Psychologist looking at the relationship between grief and depression describe the danger of being stuck there and the difference between normal grief and clinical depression. People who have limited supports or isolate themselves during time of grief may have a greater risk of developing major depressive disorder.

If there is a predisposition to depression, there is a greater risk for depression lasting longer in this stage. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s okay to get help. This stage may and can be be the longest of grief. If you find that you feel depressed almost all of the time. and your symptoms don’t fluctuate, reach out to a counselor, teacher, preacher, or mental health professional.

THE UPWARD TURN

Examples of the UPWARD TURN stage of grief are as follows:

• “I can’t believe I smiled and laghed today. I can’t remmember the last time that happened.”
• You will wake up one morning, the sun will be shining, and you will say, “Everything will be okay.!”
• “I do have a pretty good resume. Maybe it’s time to start looking for a new job.”
• “It has been several months since my daughter/son/dad/mom/friend, etc. died. I need to starty thinking about ways of honoring their memory.”

GrIEf expert Daby Faubion, RN, describes that in this phase, “although loss is felt still, it is not as difficult to manage the symptoms. Individuals tend to feel more hopeful about life and begin to find some measure of peace related to the loss.” This stage is not as difficult as it offers relief and a snese of hop that a grieving person can build a new life after an enormous loss.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

In this grief stage, people fee loss overwhelmed by emotions created by a major loss. They have more energy and a new desire to begin to move forward by finding meaning and growth after a traumatic event with concrete actions to regain control. Here people start to manage their lives and may fell like reconnecting with loved ones and friends once again.

FEELINGS that occur during the RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH stage of grief may include:

• Energized
• Optimistic
• More at Peace
• Hopeful
• More Confidence

RECONSTRUCTION examples of grief include:

• “I don’t know how much time I have left, but I am determined to make the most of it as best I can.”
• “I know my partner wanted me to date again after he died. Maybe it is time to get out.”
• “I’m tired of fighting with myu wifeabout the terms of our divorce. Iwant it to be over so I can move on with my life.”
• “I am going figure out a way to honor her life.”

Moving forward in this stage involves asking, “What actions do I need to take to build a new life for myself?” It’s time to redefine what everyday life will look like for you. People often resume self-care activities like exercise, which can bring more energy, optimism regarding the future, and a desire to find some measure of success.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

Acceptance and Hope is the last stage in the grieving process. It comes with a sense of optimism from a realistic life assessment with a deep understanding of your loss’s impact. You permit yourself to plan for a future, knowing you will not forget what has happened. You have learned ways to care for yourself and cope and how to set new self-expectations as you being to move ahead. There is still pain and sadness attached to your loss. However, you recognize that you are entitled to create a different life offering yourself a measure of contentment.

Feelings that accompany the ACCEPTANCE and HOPE stage of grief are:

• Releif
• Optimism
• Reflection
• Acceptance
• Hope

ACCEPTANCE STAGE examples include, but are not limited to:

• “It feels scary to go out. I will miss my______, but I know I’m ready and I will find a way to celebrate them.
  
• “I have revised my resume and will aim to apply for three jobs in the next month.”
• “I will miss my son everyday. I think he would love that I have started the scholarship fund in his name to help other kids get to college.”

People in this phase have not fully healed from their loss but understand they have renewed strength and determinations to move on. They allow themselves to reflect on past cherished memories associates with the loss. There may be feelings of sadness that arise at holidays or birthdays or during special events. However, they don’t cause the level of despair previously experienced.

While I have shared the stages of grief, remember grief stages are a process. There is no time limit. Embrace each stage. Acknowledge each emotion as it surface.

REMEMBER, you have a friend in me. Just call..

@pushinthru.com | 843-601-7699 | Send a DM

GIRL, Straighten Your Crown!

God has put it on my heart to reverse any negative perceptions you may have of yourself.  He wants you to experience His love, and He wants you to know that as His daughter, you are indeed royalty! You are a queen, or princess—whatever suits your fancy. 

As little girls, we may have been infatuated with royalty, but not many of us women are conscious of our own crowns. We go through life seeking validation from our peers, our family, the media, men—it’s a never-ending cycle. We see other women as competition. We speak lowly of ourselves, dashing outright opportunities that could propel us forward. We say we don’t want to be alone, and so we look for love in the wrong places. We go from heartbreak to heartbreak, blaming ourselves when the issue has never been us. It has always been the distorted mirror.

I’m ecstatic to give you a clearer glimpse of your true self, introduce you to the love of God, and affirm your God-given crown! I’m telling you, God adores you. He knew you before you were even conceived. He positioned the stars in the vast skies, and still, He knows you by your name. He even knows your heart. He came to earth, got lash after lash—physically, verbally—He took it all just for you. He willingly gave Himself up to die for you. That’s how beautiful He thinks you are. That’s how worth-it He knows you are. He thought you were to die for. 

Jesus wants you to come to know your worth, too. As you venture through these reflections this week, I hope you’ll feel the love of God ricocheting off the pages and knocking at your heart. 

Now, stand up and straighten your crown!

Straighten Your Crown!

I see it now: you, standing taller—your crown glistening and shining in every passing reflection. I feel that fire burning within you as you anticipate your reign. I see you owning life the way a real queen should—boldly navigating life as the royal you are with the gifts God has given you.

Do you find it difficult to imagine that God knows and loves you personally? If so, why?

This is What I Tell Myself

This is what I tell myself…

There is a favorite story I like to tell myself. It’s the one about how my life should turn out.

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Though it’s riddled with missing everyday details, it’s full of a general sense of okayness. No, actually more than okayness. It’s the story where my toes can dig deeply into the sands of a glorious land called normal. A land I didn’t design but one where I’m allowed to nod in agreement before any changes occur. And I can veto all circumstances that don’t look right, feel right, or smell right.

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People are kind. They do what they say they are going to do and are only grumpy enough to keep things interesting. Goodness dots the landscape like trees in bloom. Peace hovers like the best poofy clouds. And the soundtrack is simple and sweet, crescendoing with lingering laughter.

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I suspect you have a version of this kind of story you like to tell yourself as well. We don’t just want to read the end of our story and feel good about it. We want to take the pen and write it ourselves. We feel very certain how things should turn out. But we live in the uncertainty of neither being able to predict nor control the outcome.

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Humans are very attached to outcomes. We say we trust God but behind the scenes we work our fingers to the bone and our emotions into a tangled fray trying to control our outcomes. We praise God when our normal looks like what we thought it would. We question God when it doesn’t. And walk away from Him when we have a sinking suspicion that God is the one who set fire to the hope that was holding us together. Even the most grounded people can feel hijacked by the winds of unpredictable change.

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Yes, I make such big assumptions of what a good God should do and then find myself easily disappointed when the winds change and nothing at all feels right. Over the 62 years, I’ve faced heartbreak after heartbreak in my marriage, job, health, and family. This isn’t how I pictured my life right now. And, though the details of your story may be different, this probably isn’t how you thought things would look in your life right now either.

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But, here’s the hope. Though we can’t predict or control or demand the outcome of our circumstances, we can know with great certainty we will be okay. Better than okay. Better than normal. We will be victorious because Jesus is victorious (1 Corinthians 15:57). And victorious people were never meant to settle for normal.

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But what if the victory is only in part how things turn out? What if a bigger part of being victorious is how well we live today? This hour. This minute.

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Over the next month with going LIVE and via podcast (Let’s Talk It Over), we’ll start to find a way to tie our hope not to the specific outcomes we thought were the only way back to normal, but rather to the very heart of God. The Author of the story your heart could never conceive but begs to live with every thumping beat. There is more to all of this than you know. And I can’t wait to watch it unfold in your life and mine.

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THOUGHTS TO PONDER : How would you describe your version of ‘normal’? Write down a few words that come to mind. How is your view of God impacted when reality doesn’t align with the way you’d like things to be?

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MEDITATION:

ICorinthians 16: 51-57 Messenger Version

“But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I’ll probably never fully understand. We’re not all going to die— but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it’s over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we’ll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word, oh, Death? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now? It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:51-57‬ ‭MSG‬‬

https://www.bible.com/97/1co.15.51-57.msg

JUST GET THROUGH IT!

Certain. Comfortable. Predictable.

These are all words I long to use to describe my life. My normal.

I suspect you’d be okay with these being the defining terms of yours, as well.

But the Lord makes it clear in His Word that things will not always go as we wish they would in this life between two gardens:

In this world you will have trouble. (John 16:33)

Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)

Can I be honest? All this trouble gets exhausting.

Walking in the “I don’t know” is scary.

And that’s where we get weary and the tentacles of the fear of the unknown can have strangling effects on us.

Fear seems to be a close cousin of disappointment. They are related, because we feel them so deeply, they paralyze us so easily, and the pat answers so many Christians try to place on them trip us up. We are desperate to make things easier than they really are.

I get it.

But in this life between two gardens that’s just not how most things work out. We get through one disappointment and then another comes. And another.

We all keep thinking, if we can just get through this circumstance, then life will settle down and finally the words happily ever after will scroll across the glorious scene of us skipping happily into the sunset.

But what if life settling down and all your disappointments going away would be the worst thing that could happen to you?

What if your “I don’t know” is helping you, not hurting you?

What if your “I don’t know” is helping you let go of things you aren’t supposed to know, because that knowledge would be too heavy a burden for today? But the One you do know, the

Lord, is so perfectly capable to bear it all.

Remember those verses we just read about troubles? Here they are again in the context of the full passages:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has

enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33–34)

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the

sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:12–13)

The crucial detail for us to have peace in the middle of everything we face is to stay close to the Lord. DELIGHT.

We think we want comfort in the I-don’t-know times of life. But comfort isn’t a solution to seek;

rather, it’s a by-product we’ll reap when we stay close to the Lord. DELIGHT.

DELIGHT. That’s my word for 2020. Why? Well, that’s the next snippet that gets us through understanding the why of our life and suffering.

RESPOND: How might your season of “I don’t know” actually be helping you, not hurting you? How might your suffering be helping? How might watching the suffering of a loved one be helping you?

What’s In a Dress?

Another change upon us.

A step down with less fuss.

A gown to replace her dress.

Easier to put on, less stress.

For cleanliness and comfort.

With dignity it does comport.

Forlorn it looks, Is it comely?

No, it looks very, very lonely.

As I dressed her in this gown of ease.

She acted somber no smile to please.

In an instant I knew no more to see,

My Momma, My Momma dressed just for me.

Years of changes have come.

Almost forgotten where we come from.

My anger is soothed often by her peace.

My love for her will never, no never cease.

How often I have fallen on my knees to pray.

Asking my Lord, “Must she be taken away?

Comfort us both, Lord, as we travel this way.

May our trial of tears bring glory to you each day.

One Wish Today

If I were granted one wish today,

and I knew it would come true;

I’d ask the Lord for a little time,

to speak alone with you.

To hear your voice like it used to be,

so soft, so quiet, so clear;

That voice which has been silenced,

during these last few years.

To hear you sing those old-time hymns,

that speak of Jesus’ love;

And have you read the Bible,

with a message from above.

I know my wish will not come true,

and that is all right too;

For I treasure all my memories,

of the momma I once knew.

So I thank God that when I visit, go to church with you, dinner, or Tuesday Prayer,

and hold your hand in mine;

I see a peace upon your face–

I see my Lord divine!

TAG, YOU’RE IT!

As young children, we often play a game called “tag” where we run with the goal of not getting tagged. So many of us are running away from the calling on our lives because we want to avoid getting tagged by God to lead or serve the body of Christ. We always think someone else will do it, or we’ll just wait until someone else answers the call. A man named Jonah in the Bible was running away from God so he was swallowed up by a great aquatic animal in order for God to get his attention. His calling was to tell the people of Nineveh about their disobedience and that God wanted them saved. Another man named Moses ran away from God, but God called him back because he was the man called to lead God’s people out of slavery and into the promised land that God had for them. So many people in the Bible ran away from their calling until God captured their hearts. You and I are captured by God’s heart because He rescued us and gave us lives that have purpose, hope, peace and love. He created us and He knows what we can do.

We all have assignments here on the earth, and we need to complete those assignments – our callings in life. We need everyone to do their part. Imagine if we all did our part and used the gifting that God gave us? The church would be thriving and growing and many would be saved. Many of us don’t know what we are gifted with, and it usually takes serving others to determine how we are gifted.

God is preparing you little by little so He can give you more. When God wants to enlarge you, He will stretch you. No one likes to be uncomfortable, but why stay complacent? We can’t stop growing now. It doesn’t matter what age you are, you need to continually be growing and stretching beyond your limits. If you are willing to let God stretch you, change is part of the process. However, every change in your life creates a new normal, helping you avoid complacency in life until God’s next stretch for you. Learn to develop “Godfidence” by relying on God to give you confidence and help you change your perspective about yourself so you can overcome any insecurities.

What you are doing will affect the people ahead of you and the people behind you wanting to do what you do. As Colossians 1:27 stresses, “We have yet to understand what we can do in Jesus’ name, but if we allow God to work in us and through us, we’ll find out.” This is our time to arise to our full expression in Jesus name, so “TAG, you’re it!” You are the one that God has called as the answer to the problems of this world. You are made for so much more than what you think you are. You matter to God and to this generation. It is time to take your position or assignment and be obedient to what God is calling you to do. Stop looking to others to do your job; it’s your job to get it done.

Self Care with a Side of Shame

 As simple as Instagram makes self-care seem, following through is often easier said than done.

Making time for ourselves often means saying no to others—turning down a night out, career-boosting work assignment, or phone call with a friend in need of advice. For me, setting those boundaries often feels impossible.

I’m constantly saying yes: Sure, I’ll take on that last-minute story. Yes, let’s absolutely meet for coffee. Of course I’ll mentor your sister’s friend’s daughter!

And whenever I do turn my “yes” into a “no” in the name of self-care, I feel wracked with guilt—like I’m not showing up for others or I’m wasting my time. Cue me sitting at home trying to chill in a bubble bath, but making mental lists of who or what I’m letting down.

Sounds super relaxing, right?

Turns out, I’m not alone in this kind of self-care shame.

“We are surrounded by overt and covert messages that encourage us to minimize our own needs and feel guilty when we engage in self-care,” psychotherapist Ashley Elder told Psych Central. “Think how many times a day you see some kind of reference to a woman ‘indulging,’ ‘splurging,’ or ‘sinning’ because she meets a basic need like eating food she enjoys or taking time to relax.”

So, how can we embrace self-care—without the guilt? Here, six ways to start:

1. Plan Dates With Yourself

One tactic that’s helped me own my “no” in the name of self-care: Making standing appointments with me, myself, and I.

My weekly yoga classes? They’re on my calendar, right up there with work assignments and birthday dinners. When I give self-care the same importance as all my other commitments, it not only reminds me to guard my time, but reaffirms that it’s time well spent. It’s helped me make self-care a regular part of my routine, rather than a whenever-I-can-get-it thing.

When I give self-care the same importance as all my other commitments, it not only reminds me to guard my time, but reaffirms that it’s time well spent.

2. Get Serious About Why You Feel Guilty

If your me time is plagued with guilt, you might be connecting your self-worth with your productivity.

The next time you find yourself fretting over, say, the 20 minutes you set aside to just read, grab a pen, some paper, and ask yourself why.

Do you feel like time you don’t spend working is time wasted?

Do you feel like others might deserve your time more than you do?

Write down your thoughts, then read them over—you may be able to see the links between taking time for yourself and feeling guilty about it more clearly, and seeing your thoughts written out might help you move past them.

Bonus: That time spent journalingcounts as self-care, too. A recent study found that those who regularly wrote about stressful and emotional events had better psychological and physical outcomes than those who kept their thoughts bottled up.

3. Digitally Disconnect

One major pitfall of the digital age? 24/7 reachability makes it nearly impossible to take a step back, and texts and calls from family and friends can serve as a constant reminder of what you “should” be doing instead.

The solution?

Put your phone on do-not-disturb whenever you’re engaging in a self-care activity. That way, you won’t get sucked back into your emotional web, but you won’t miss emergencies, either.

If you’re worried friends of coworkers might not know how to handle a few hours of your absence, set an Out Of Office response explaining that you’ll be offline for a few hours and can handle things when you’re back.

4. Be Honest About Your Needs—But Know You Don’t Owe an Explanation

If a pal asks why you’re suddenly saying no to happy hour or can’t pick up her packages while she’s on a work trip, tell the truth. Chances are, they’ll relate and respect your needs.

And if someone questions your self-care time, try to stand firm. Your time is your time, and taking care of yourself means you can better care for others in the future.

Your time is your time, and taking care of yourself means you can better care for others in the future.

Still feel impossible? Try emailing a response, using the formula here.

5. Offer an Alternative

If you feel like you’re constantly turning down others in the name of solo time, try responding with a “no, but…”

Suggest a different time for a hangout session or another way to help out. You could even try setting aside designated time for friends, or co-workers, in the same way you set aside time for yourself.

If you find yourself dreading or rescheduling the same appointments and catch-up drinks, though, you might want to think about tapering off that relationship—remember, preventing future burnout counts as self-care, too.

6. Find a Self-Care Crew

It’s easy to talk yourself out of taking a solo break—but, as we’ve discussed, harder to say “no” to friends. Use that truth to your advantage. Find a yoga class, meditation group, or even a similarly burnt-out friend who can take some R&R with you. Yes, you’ll be together, but you’ll get to recharge solo, too.

That accountability will help you stick to your routine, and the other class-goers will respect your inward focus, since they’re likely there for the same reasons.

Bottom line: Self-care isn’t selfish—but it can feel that way. Be kind to yourself as you learn to prioritize me time—and know you’ll be better for it.

#teachersofinstagram “teachersfollowteachers

Self-Care with a Side of Shame

 As simple as Instagram makes self-care seem, following through is often easier said than done.

Making time for ourselves often means saying no to others—turning down a night out, career-boosting work assignment, or phone call with a friend in need of advice. For me, setting those boundaries often feels impossible.

I’m constantly saying yes: Sure, I’ll take on that last-minute story. Yes, let’s absolutely meet for coffee. Of course I’ll mentor your sister’s friend’s daughter!

And whenever I do turn my “yes” into a “no” in the name of self-care, I feel wracked with guilt—like I’m not showing up for others or I’m wasting my time. Cue me sitting at home trying to chill in a bubble bath, but making mental lists of who or what I’m letting down.

Sounds super relaxing, right?

Turns out, I’m not alone in this kind of self-care shame.

“We are surrounded by overt and covert messages that encourage us to minimize our own needs and feel guilty when we engage in self-care,” psychotherapist Ashley Elder told Psych Central. “Think how many times a day you see some kind of reference to a woman ‘indulging,’ ‘splurging,’ or ‘sinning’ because she meets a basic need like eating food she enjoys or taking time to relax.”

So, how can we embrace self-care—without the guilt? Here, six ways to start:

1. Plan Dates With Yourself

One tactic that’s helped me own my “no” in the name of self-care: Making standing appointments with me, myself, and I.

My weekly yoga classes? They’re on my calendar, right up there with work assignments and birthday dinners. When I give self-care the same importance as all my other commitments, it not only reminds me to guard my time, but reaffirms that it’s time well spent. It’s helped me make self-care a regular part of my routine, rather than a whenever-I-can-get-it thing.

When I give self-care the same importance as all my other commitments, it not only reminds me to guard my time, but reaffirms that it’s time well spent.

2. Get Serious About Why You Feel Guilty

If your me time is plagued with guilt, you might be connecting your self-worth with your productivity.

The next time you find yourself fretting over, say, the 20 minutes you set aside to just read, grab a pen, some paper, and ask yourself why.

Do you feel like time you don’t spend working is time wasted?

Do you feel like others might deserve your time more than you do?

Write down your thoughts, then read them over—you may be able to see the links between taking time for yourself and feeling guilty about it more clearly, and seeing your thoughts written out might help you move past them.

Bonus: That time spent journalingcounts as self-care, too. A recent study found that those who regularly wrote about stressful and emotional events had better psychological and physical outcomes than those who kept their thoughts bottled up.

3. Digitally Disconnect

One major pitfall of the digital age? 24/7 reachability makes it nearly impossible to take a step back, and texts and calls from family and friends can serve as a constant reminder of what you “should” be doing instead.

The solution?

Put your phone on do-not-disturb whenever you’re engaging in a self-care activity. That way, you won’t get sucked back into your emotional web, but you won’t miss emergencies, either.

If you’re worried friends of coworkers might not know how to handle a few hours of your absence, set an Out Of Office response explaining that you’ll be offline for a few hours and can handle things when you’re back.

4. Be Honest About Your Needs—But Know You Don’t Owe an Explanation

If a pal asks why you’re suddenly saying no to happy hour or can’t pick up her packages while she’s on a work trip, tell the truth. Chances are, they’ll relate and respect your needs.

And if someone questions your self-care time, try to stand firm. Your time is your time, and taking care of yourself means you can better care for others in the future.

Your time is your time, and taking care of yourself means you can better care for others in the future.

Still feel impossible? Try emailing a response, using the formula here.

5. Offer an Alternative

If you feel like you’re constantly turning down others in the name of solo time, try responding with a “no, but…”

Suggest a different time for a hangout session or another way to help out. You could even try setting aside designated time for friends, or co-workers, in the same way you set aside time for yourself.

If you find yourself dreading or rescheduling the same appointments and catch-up drinks, though, you might want to think about tapering off that relationship—remember, preventing future burnout counts as self-care, too.

6. Find a Self-Care Crew

It’s easy to talk yourself out of taking a solo break—but, as we’ve discussed, harder to say “no” to friends. Use that truth to your advantage. Find a yoga class, meditation group, or even a similarly burnt-out friend who can take some R&R with you. Yes, you’ll be together, but you’ll get to recharge solo, too.

That accountability will help you stick to your routine, and the other class-goers will respect your inward focus, since they’re likely there for the same reasons.

Bottom line: Self-care isn’t selfish—but it can feel that way. Be kind to yourself as you learn to prioritize me time—and know you’ll be better for it.

MIND OVER MATTER

You oversleep. 💤You get a flat tire. 🚘You spill your coffee. ☕You get a parking ticket.🚓 You lose your keys. 🛵Your list of “to-do’s” is a mile long. You’re tired,😒 frustrated, 😰and a little bit hangry.😡

…I’ve been there.😎

There was a day when I woke up two hours late for my job. ⏰Don’t ask me how I managed that when I had 6 alarms set. 🤔Just when I was ONE turn away from work, I saw the lights 💡behind me.

A policeman😭

So, I pulled over and began to tear 😢 up. As the officer came up and asked me where I was headed. I looked to my right and pointed 👉towards work. I was so close. So, so close.

I almost let those emotions 👹determine my day. I was frustrated and flustered 😾at first, and I allowed my feelings to flood my mind💩. That day could have been horrible from that point on if I allowed it to be. I could’ve been moping and wallowing in frustration even longer as I explained 🙆to my boss what happened and continued to carry out all my tasks 🖥for the day.

But , I didn’t.😎

Yes, those things happened, but they didn’t define me. My attitude 🤔 allowed me to enjoy the day🌝 and smile and laugh and joke even more than usual.😂

Your mindset is what determines your day. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. 😁The small things in life don’t need to be worried and stressed about so much. The alarm ⏰can be fixed. The tire 🚓can be replaced. The coffee☕ can be refilled. The parking ticket 📕can be paid. The keys can be found. The to-dos can get to-done. You can get sleep. 💤You can get some food. Maybe a Snickers to satisfy.😁

Your life is great. 😃You just have to allow it to be.

People don’t make you 😠 angry – you allow the anger to dwell within you. Circumstances don’t upset you – you allow yourself to get upset. You choose to worry, you choose to criticize, you choose to blame, and you choose to complain. No one else decides this for you.

If your thoughts are bringing you down, You can’t be moving up.☝

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your way of thinking about it. Redirect your mindset. Remember that life is a 🎁 gift- don’t ruin the contents. Choosing positive 😁thinking provides you with confidence, vibrant health, and true beauty.👸

Your last day could be tomorrow😇 – choose to live to the fullest each day and live with the mindset you’d want to be remembered for. Remain fixed on the good. See your problems as opportunities. When you keep your face to the 🌞 sunshine you can’t see the shadows.

⏳Count your blessings

There are so many good things in your life. Look at the blue sky, ⛅watch the sunset🌘, go for a good run,🤺 have some ice cream. Be thankful for your family. 🤼Be thankful for a home. Be thankful for food. There are people worse off than you.

😇See the good

Bring out the best in people. 👭👬👪 Bring out the best😇 in situations. Don’t assume. Don’t judge. You can’t control people or circumstances, but you can control your mindset. You can think positively and be light💡 to others.

☝View setbacks as stepping stones

Don’t get frustrated 😭when things don’t go your way. God knows what He’s doing, and He’s placing the right things in your life. When something doesn’t go according to plan, trust that there’s a better one. 🌝You are being moved. Believe in that.

🙏 Pray

Pray for a positive 😁 mindset each day. Pray 🙏to recognize your blessings and see the good. Pray for others. Pray to have faith.

😁Smile

Such a simple thing. Smiles 😀are contagious, so shine those pearly whites.😁 Smile at strangers, smile at your friends, smile at your dog. It could make someone’s day.

Having the right mindset 😃will fill you with energy and peace.😇 Be a light 💡to those around you. Redirect your mind. Today is your day.
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